I have a soft spot in my heart for the ridiculous. Anything completely baffling and out of hand I find terribly amazing. Though incredible, it oft times gets me into situations which are not entirely healthy or at all safe. My taste for women is very driven by this at times. The issue lying behind that would be that I end up in a position where they are potentially crazy (figuratively or literally, feel free to pick), more irrational than your run of the mill woman, or otherwise emotionally cut off. "Mike, why don't you just let them go and try to find someone else?" Wow friend, your advice is truly awe inspiring and unique, none of my friends have given me that line a hundred times before. You see, I find the bulk of women, and people in general really, dull and uninteresting. I find it very hard to find a person who intrigues me to no end. A kind of person I would love to know inside and out. I find complexity extremely sexy, to a degree.
Another dangerous quirk of mine is my extreme thirst for knowledge. Let us continue with my female love interest example. Once I find this complexity I am drawn to it like a opposing poles on a magnet. This knowledge to be gained. It's something interesting, in my mind. I can't quite explain it fully, but I can't help desiring to be closer. Sometimes it is a person who excels at wordplay, sometimes someone who is knowledgeable in a field in which I find interesting, sometimes a person who has mental disorder that isn't entirely socially debilitating (we're talking things like bipolar disorder or depression or something. Not retardation or anything of that nature, I'm no creep.), sometimes their personality is just one I've never dealt with before, or the person in question is just odd, or any number of other things. Now this whole personality trait of mine is sent flying completely out of control when I am deprived what I seek. I suppose that's one reason I stick around in these situations. I yearn to know more and more and more about a particular person and they won't oblige my wishes. Well my mind goes into justification mode. "Once you get closer you will be able to gain access to this knowledge you incessantly crave. Just stick through it and you'll get what you want. Stay the course!" Now this is not generally good for my mental or emotional health. Sometimes I'm strung along. Sometimes I end up on the brink of a relationship for months with the idea that soon it will happen.
Some may call me dumb for doing what I do. I know a good friend of mine has said that I apparently choose these people in order to fail. However you say it I don't think I can change it.
My love life has pretty much been dysfunctional in one way or another for my entire life. My grade school days I was too shy, socially awkward, and self deprecating. My first relationship I acted like a total wuss and was an emotional wreck the whole time. My second relationship I lost interest incredibly quickly. My third relationship I just didn't care. I've pined over lesbians. I've lusted for those who have ignored me. I've been crazy about women who lived hours and hours away. I've fallen deeply in love with one of my best friends, had amazing sex for a time, removed myself from the situation due to one sided feelings, went back and had more amazing sex knowing the feelings were one sided, been was kicked out of her life so she wouldn't cheat of her boyfriend (I had a knack for being able to seduce this one, and vice versa), been invited back to her life, had more amazing sex, and been crushed when she moved to Massachusetts. Now I am willingly in another situation that is taking an emotional toll on me and I don't know if I'm being strung along or not.
I don't seek sympathy from anyone. This is the way my choices and personality have led me. I figure it'll all work itself out one day, one way or another. So refrain from thinking of this as a "No one loves me! I can't get a girl waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!" post. This is just merely an introduction of my personality, by means of my general love life, to myself and whoever else would like to read it.
Faustie
No comments:
Post a Comment